Life has been a roller coaster lately. There are so many great things to celebrate: A busy wedding season. A fall schedule quickly filling up. An upcoming family vacation. Paying off our car several years early. My birthday.
Birthdays are really one of my favorite things! Each year I reflect on where I’ve been and the direction my life is headed. I was reviewing my 101 in 1001 list and the things I still have to cross off my bucket list. One thing on my list was to be a mom. I knew when I put this on my list, this wasn’t something I had 100% control over. I knew I was just starting my journey with infertility. In my ‘grand plan’ I wanted to be done having kids by the time I was thirty. I find myself a year away from that age and I’m no closer than I was five years ago.
For the first time, I publicly shared on instagram, my sorrow for mother’s day.
I sat waiting to hit ‘publish’ for quite some time that day crying in my car. I didn’t want people’s pity. I wasn’t sure if I was really ready to talk about it. Ultimately, I just closed my eyes and published it. There was no looking back. The reaction I received was incredibly humbling and inspiring. Each time I hear of someone else’s infertility story, I find it comforting to know that I’m not alone.
Now I find myself five months later. We were content saving for several surgeries I need to have before we can pursue biologically having our own children. Out of the middle of no where someone approached us about adopting a little boy.
Talk about a whirlwind of emotions, questions and ‘what if’ scenarios! We needed some time to get back to them. We needed to run these scenarios through our heads. We needed to evaluate if now was the right time to put grad school on hold. We felt really good about it and decided that if things fell in to place, it was meant to me. This specific roller coaster ride isn’t officially over…but it is. We’ve learned the likelihood of this adoption isn’t at all as realistic as we hoped. The more this scenario slips through my fingers, the more emotional I become. This heartache is so different than the pain I experienced with each miscarriage.
I’ve sat around thinking, ‘why me?‘. This weekend I realized that I’ve been asking myself the wrong question. I needed to stop asking myself, ‘why me?’ and start asking myself, ‘what can I learn and how can I grow from this?’
I really wish I could tell you I have these answers. I don’t. Not yet. I can tell you, I’m grateful to have Craig along for the roller coaster. There is no one else I’d rather have holding my hand for the ups and the downs.