Life has been a roller coaster lately. There are so many great things to celebrate: A busy wedding season. A fall schedule quickly filling up. An upcoming family vacation. Paying off our car several years early. My birthday.
Birthdays are really one of my favorite things! Each year I reflect on where I’ve been and the direction my life is headed. I was reviewing my 101 in 1001 list and the things I still have to cross off my bucket list. One thing on my list was to be a mom. I knew when I put this on my list, this wasn’t something I had 100% control over. I knew I was just starting my journey with infertility. In my ‘grand plan’ I wanted to be done having kids by the time I was thirty. I find myself a year away from that age and I’m no closer than I was five years ago.
For the first time, I publicly shared on instagram, my sorrow for mother’s day.
I sat waiting to hit ‘publish’ for quite some time that day crying in my car. I didn’t want people’s pity. I wasn’t sure if I was really ready to talk about it. Ultimately, I just closed my eyes and published it. There was no looking back. The reaction I received was incredibly humbling and inspiring. Each time I hear of someone else’s infertility story, I find it comforting to know that I’m not alone.
Now I find myself five months later. We were content saving for several surgeries I need to have before we can pursue biologically having our own children. Out of the middle of no where someone approached us about adopting a little boy.
Talk about a whirlwind of emotions, questions and ‘what if’ scenarios! We needed some time to get back to them. We needed to run these scenarios through our heads. We needed to evaluate if now was the right time to put grad school on hold. We felt really good about it and decided that if things fell in to place, it was meant to me. This specific roller coaster ride isn’t officially over…but it is. We’ve learned the likelihood of this adoption isn’t at all as realistic as we hoped. The more this scenario slips through my fingers, the more emotional I become. This heartache is so different than the pain I experienced with each miscarriage.
I’ve sat around thinking, ‘why me?‘. This weekend I realized that I’ve been asking myself the wrong question. I needed to stop asking myself, ‘why me?’ and start asking myself, ‘what can I learn and how can I grow from this?’
I really wish I could tell you I have these answers. I don’t. Not yet. I can tell you, I’m grateful to have Craig along for the roller coaster. There is no one else I’d rather have holding my hand for the ups and the downs.
Kristen Perschon - Belinda, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. We have been going through infertility for 4 years now and it is so hard. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and if you ever want to talk or if there is anything I can do for you, please let me know.
Belinda Olsen - Kristen, If you’re ever interested in talking, one of my client’s started an infertility support group that meets once a month in Logan. If that sounds like something you would like to check out, let me know, I’ll pass along the information.
Tara Siddoway - Belinda, you have always been an example of strength to me. Thank you so much for sharing. You’ve probably already read this talk, but it is one that I go to all the time when life seems to throw me a major curve ball, or just isn’t going as I “planned”. It’s by Richard G. Scott called “Trust in the Lord”. He gave it back in like 1995 I think. When you said you are trying to ask “What can I learn from this” instead of “why me” made me think of that talk. It is beautiful and comforting. I wish I could come upstairs and paint nails with you and talk about life like we did in the past, but for now just know that I am thinking about you and praying for you.
Belinda Olsen - Tara, Thank you so much for your sweet comments. I love that talk! I read it often 🙂 I really miss having you close by. I hope you’re feeling well and think of me when you see that picture of the Temple. Xo!
Kami Essig - Thanks for sharing. This isn’t something I personally had to deal with, but I know how sad it can be. I think the more open people are, the more it can help others who are going through this!
Belinda Olsen - Thanks Kami! I appreciate your thoughts and sentiment!
Leslie Carpenter - I know exactly how you feel, especially the frustration of feeling like you’re being left being while everyone else in the world is having babies and more babies. Unless they’ve dealt with it people can’t understand the sadness that goes along with it and even when they’re meaning well with comments like saying you’re lucky you don’t have kids so you can travel or you’re so lucky to not be pregnant and suffer morning sickness they’ll never understand why those comments are devastating.
The only small part that helps is knowing when I finally do have a baby they’ll never be able to flippantly say that I don’t love them because I’ll be able to show them the journal entries that are begging for them and they’ll know they were very much wanted.
We’ll be mothers someday, our babies are just taking the scenic route to get to us!!
Christy - Belinda, we just love you tons! Thanks for sharing–because, like you said, it’s easier on the road you’re on to know others face the same thing. You are helping lots of people by sharing, I’m sure. Equally sure that your little one(s) will come, especially if you are considering adoption. There are so many children out there who need wonderful parents, and I’m sure they will find their way to yoy
Christy - *to you and Craig.* Love you.